Tuesday, August 25, 2015

God's Plan...

Ever been down one path that you think you are supposed to be on, and then God says, Hey, let's wait a bit for that path, I need you to go down this one instead first?

Yeah, that would be me. A year ago in June I had a friend come over because she wanted me to pray for her. I prayed over her and her family, and other things.  She then prayed for me, she then squeezed my hands and said God I don't want to say this but everytime I keep pushing it back you keep pushing it more. Please bless Mandy and open her womb and bless the baby she will give birth too.

As soon as she said those words I felt the holy spirit move in me, in my womb.  It was like nothing I've ever experienced before.

She very quickly said amen, and ran out the door.

I was alone. Curt was away on a missions trip with his work.

I wrestled with God that night, wrestled.  I kept saying God, this wasn't the plan, we are supposed to adopt or foster to adopt, or both.  There are so many kids out there that need a home, and I want to give them a home. remember God, one less?  

As if I needed to remind God about the one less?  He clearly knows what He is doing right?

Every time I said God, He kept saying, Trust Me, I've got this, you need to trust Me.

Finally by the time the sun came up, I gave up.  I threw my hands up in the air and said, ok, God, fine.  But You've gotta convince my husband, he will laugh at me.

Hubby got home later on Saturday and after hearing all about his stories and his trip I told him what happened.  He laughed, which I knew he would, because I was still thinking I don't know about this....  We talked and prayed about it...

Almost a year later and we find out we are expecting in January.  :)

I went through some appointments because the doc thought the baby was measuring small...  Finally saw the heartbeat and measuring at 6 weeks, breathe a sigh of relief. Then got another call that I needed another ultrasound because he was concerned.  I went for my u/s on 6-10 at the imagining center in Waldorf.  She kept asking me questions and I didn't see the screen, so I knew something wasn't right.  Then when she said, I'm going to go get the doctor and will be right back.  Then I knew I lost the baby for sure because I've never seen their doc.  He confirmed and said he was very sorry.  Then they asked me to wait in the waiting room so they could call my doc.  That wasn't so fun.  It was starting to register and the tears were starting to fall.  Finally my doc called me and I asked the lady up front if I could leave since they called me.  

I left, grabbed my kids from my friends house, then headed home.  Curt was supposed to be gone all week, but he was on his way home.

Love my friends, they had food all lined up for the week for us.  It was a huge blessing to not have to worry about dinners....  

Wednesday I had an appt with my doc who did an u/s and I got to see the lifeless limp baby, who looked even smaller than it did a week ago when i had seen the heartbeat.  He asked if I wanted a D&C or the pill, which he didn't fully recommend because it causes more cramping and more painful.  I said no to the pill but wanted to talk to my hubs about the D&C before I scheduled it.  He said ok, call us back and ask for so and so.

Went home talked and prayed and called the office back to schedule the D&C.  i waited all day.  Never got a call back.  So I tried again the next day at 8:15, 15 minutes after they open. Waited all day, never got the call back either.  So Friday rolls around and I'm too upset and tired to call them yet again.  I figured after 2 days, they should be calling me back.

Thankfully my mom was planning on coming this week-end anyways before she went to my brothers house.  She got here late Friday night.

Saturday I'm starting to cramp. Sunday a little worse...  Went to church, and feel ok...

About 4pm it started. Don't wanna gross you out but I passed the baby, and kept bleeding. I thought I was going to be done.  Nope...  At 8 I asked Curt to take me to the ER because I didn't think this was right to be losing this much blood.  The ER was really busy and as I posted there was  family there that had lost their little toddler.  Such heartbreaking news...  Kept praying for the family.  

Finally got in and had my blood taken..  I saw 4 tubes and said oh man, 4 tubes?  he said oh good, thanks for reminding me, you need 5.  I told him, I may pass out on you, I've lost so much blood already.

I got to tube 3 and said ok, not feeling good.  So he let me lay down and he finished up the other 2 tubes.  I had to get up to the bathroom, so after laying there for a bit, I went to get up.  Made it to the bathroom door, and sat on the ground.  I looked at Curt and said, I am sorry hun, I can't do this, and then I flopped over. I remember coming too for 2-3 seconds and then back out.  They got a full iv bag in me in about 10 minutes.  I was extremely dehydrated.  Lost alot of blood and blood clots the size of ping pong balls. I was in the bathroom every 7 minutes, literally...  When they hooked me up to heart monitor and blood pressure it was 73 over 59 for blood pressure and heart rate was around 110...

I got back to an ER room and had a cervix exam which the doc said I was over the hard part and should be better.  May still pass a few things, but it would be ok and not to worry.  She said it was "normal" to lose all that blood and the clots when having a miscarriage naturally. 

Had a follow up with my doc with the next day and my doc wasn't there, he had an emergency c-section, so I saw the PA.  She did an exam and an u/s and said that I still had a thick lining so I needed to have a D&C.  So I looked at her and said because your office failed to call me back I went through crap last night and still have to go through with this?  Again, twice? She apologized, but I couldn't hear it, or accept it.  I was honestly way too upset.  The night in the ER and what I went through at home was NOT what I wanted to go through.  Yes, I was at peace if it happened that way, but not my choice.  

She then gave my 800 mg ibprophen and one antibiotic to take 12 hours after the surgery to fill that day so I wouldn't have to do it on the way home from surgery. I got in the next day to have it done.

Got to the hospital and was cramping and had a major head-ache.  Doc came in and asked how I was and told him, then he asked if I got my scripts filled.  Since we had gone there before going to hospital, I said yes, and we showed him.  He then said, oh, um, only one antibiotic?  I said yes, she told me to take it 12 hours after surgery.  he said no, you need a week of that, not just one.  Plus you need another one to keep your cervix closed.

So I clam up, I'm mad.  Not only did I waste our time going to get the scripts filled before surgery, we have to go AFTER now to get them, and the PA didn't know what she was doing. He gets them written out and he goes, and the nurses come back in and get me ready.

Part of my didn't want to the D&C because I had one 11ish yrs ago.  I can tell you EVERYTHING they said and did and what I said and did.  I thought it was a curse that I remembered what happened.  I used to get nightmares about that day.  I went into deep depression with that miscarriage.  I was not as close to God as I am now, nor was my faith as strong.  Don't get me wrong, I've still got growing to do.  We all do if we are honest.  Everyday is growing closer to Him.  But then, I hated Him.  It was bad.  This time, I was praising Him.  Yes, it hurt and it still does, but I know without a doubt that God has this.  I don't know what His plan is.  But I have told Him, use me no matter the cost.  This was big.  I don't know how He is going to use this, and honestly, I'm totally ok with that.  Just knowing that He has me and knowing that I can lean into Him, and let Him comfort me.  To give Him all the praise even when it's hard.  And it has been.  Recovery for this one is NOT fun.  A nurse friend told me that since I lost that much blood that it could take me 4-6 weeks for recovery.  GAH???!!!!  WHAT????!!!!!!  My legs hurt, they need to be stretched, but when I try, I'm moving more than I should be, and so I bleed more.  It's a lose lose right now...  haha...  But again, I'm giving it to God.  He has it.  He has this all under control.  I may not like what's going on, but I have faith in Him.  I still have cramping and the raw scrapped feeling, I don't like that feeling.  Thankfully it's not all the time consistent, but it was.  It still hurts.  The 800 mg ibprohpen doesn't do anything for the pain.  It's not helping the head-aches I've been getting either.  I also got Vicodin from the ER, that didn't do anything either, and I took 2....  (Only b/c my nurse friend said I could!!!)

Oh, that was the other thing, I was at the Target pharmacy 3 times within 2 days, the pharmacist there made sure I wasn't taking certain drugs together that they kept prescribing me b/c they don't mix. Hmm, the doc didn't notice what he was giving me, or didn't pay attention to the drugs I already had?  

Anyways.... It doesn't matter at what point you lose you baby, it's still painful.  It hurts.  It doesn't make any sense to me.  But I don't have to understand why?  I just have to have faith and trust that God is in control!  And He is.  Thankfully!  ;)  I'm still going to have some hard days.  I may just start crying.  That's ok.  Grieving sucks sometimes. There really is no warning as to WHEN it will happen.  But if you see me start to cry, either ignore me, or give me a hug.  I may not even know WHY I'm crying.  ;)

Thank you to all who have sent encouraging notes and letters and messages, and those of you that helped with food.  You are a blessing and I am so blessed to have you all in my life.  Those meals where amazing and wonderful, more help than you know!

Many of you asked if you could help, and right now, I don't know how.  We are ok.  But I won't turn down a meal...  ;)

I'm still so weak and tired and just made a super easy dinner tonight of tuna.  (BLAH, but I ATE it..  protein...)  It took me long enough to make it because I kept sitting down, or I sat down to mix it up.  Kotah and Gavin have been a HUGE help, but was trying to let them be tonight.  Curt took off all last week, but is back to working this week, and at an overnight church conference right now.  Trying to drink lots of water and one vitamin water a day...  Trying to eat, but not hungry, or when I do eat, I can't eat much because I get full.  But will get there!  Keep looking at my kettlebells and want to get back to that, but just can't.  not allowed to do much of anything for atleast another 2 weeks....  Going to call and make a followup appt and then after that, I'm done with this doc.  My heart is softening a teeny tiny bit for forgiving them, but still not fully. I know you are supposed to forgive, but right now, I can't fully. I pray by the time I have to go back in and I talk to him, that I will be able too.

A few songs that have really popped out at me...  There are more, but here's a few...  Love the lyrics.

Your Hands- JJ Heller


I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still


Nothing Holding Me Back-

Now nothing is holding me back from You
Redeemer of my soul
Now nothing can hold me back from You
Your Love will never let me go
Verse 2
Thank You for Your death and resurrection
Thank You for the power of Your blood
I am overwhelmed by Your affection
The Kindness and the Greatness of Your Love
The Kindness and the Greatness of Your Love
Verse 3
Thank You that we’re living in Your Kingdom
Jesus You’re the King upon the throne
Thank You for the way You always love me
Now I get to love You in return
Now I get to love You in return
Bridge
Jesus, You make all things new

Praise Like Fireworks- Rend Collective

I lift my voice to praise You
I lift my voice to praise You
My concrete heart won't stop me
My concrete heart won't stop me

I'll sing like it's the first time
I'll sing like it's the first time
And leave behind the cynic
I leave behind the cynic in my soul

We're letting praise like fireworks
Loose from our thankful hearts

We're bringing You our praise, bringing You our lives
We're bringing You our praise, bringing You our lives
We're bringing You our praise, bringing all our lives to You

Through joy and pain we worship
Through joy and pain we worship
With heart and soul wide open
With heart and soul wide open

Your strength will never fail us
Your strength will never fail us
We're not lost in the darkness
We're not lost in the darkness
You are here

The Broken Beautiful-

That Your love will never change,
that there's healing in your name
That You can take broken things,
and make them beautiful
You took my shame
And You walked out of the grave
So Your love can take broken things
and make them beautiful
I'm better off when I begin to remember
How You have met me in my deepest pain
So give me glimpses now of how You have covered
All of my heart ache, oh with all Your grace
Remind me now that You can make a way
That Your love will never change,
that there's healing in your name
That You can take broken things,
and make them beautiful
You took my shame
And You walked out of the grave
So Your love can take broken things
and make them beautiful
You say that You'll turn my weeping into dancing
Remove my sadness & cover me with joy
You say your scars are the evidence of healing
That You can make the broken beautiful
You make us beautiful, oh oh
You make us beautiful


Joy- Rend Collective

The pain will not define us
Joy will reignite us
You're the song
You're the song
Of our hearts

The dark is just a canvas
For Your grace and brightness
You're the song
You're the song
Of our hearts

We're dancing to the rhythm of Your heart
We're rising from the ashes to the stars

You're the joy joy joy lighting my soul
The joy joy joy making me whole
Though I'm broken, I am running
Into Your arms of love


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