Wednesday, January 9, 2013

More Ramblings From a Crazy Momma! ;)

(I wrote this Dec 5th, debating whether to post or not...  why not?  ;))

Just sitting here crying...  Tears are just streaming down my face...  Kids are in bed, listening to my praise and worship on pandora, and just crying.

My human brain is saying God, I can't do this. This is too much.  It's too much for me to do.  I'm not cut out for this.

Ha, No duh, but He's equipping me.  He called me, and He is equipping me, just what I need when I need it. And I am not alone, He is right here beside me.

So as I sit here crying, thinking, why did He bless ME with these guys? I get this, my precious sweet daughter, I love you, and I blessed you because I want you to have My kids.  These kids. These kids which you will train to love me, and obey me.  You are making the right choices, keep trusting Me.

Clear as day.  Ok, got it.

Having a "special needs" child can be tough. Don't get me wrong here folks...  I LOVE my kids and I will do ANYTHING for ANY one of them!  But having to make the right decisions, praying I don't screw them up!  Shoot, I pray that for my "normal" kids (and anyone who comes in contact with me...  ;oP)

I'm a quiet person as in, I won't ask for help. I will gladly take any prayers I can get, cause I need them!  ;)

No book or website can fully "prepare" you for which way God will direct you. Whether you chose to listen or not, no one, other than God can tell you. Even then, He isn't going to show you your "whole staircase".  He's only going to show you what you need to know and see at that time.  Not always easy, but it's what we can handle!  :)

You can read books on how to raise your kids, on whats the best diet, whats the best way to treat your deaf child, but unless you fully open your heart, eyes and ears to what HE is saying, it ain't gonna do you any good!

I can't tell you how many book I read on adoption, and EVERYTHING that comes with it.  But until you actually physically EXPERIENCE it.... I have loved each and every moment of this journey, it has stretched me and moved me more than I could ever think or imagine!  Yes, it can be tough, but that's even better!  It makes me realize just how blessed I am to be their mom, to have a super awesome God who is ever so gracious and forgiving.  I need to be forgiven, everyday...  I make mistakes.  Everyday. EVERYDAY! So thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

How would I make it if it wasn't for Him, His grace, love, strength, peace, joy...  I could go on.

People tell me I am amazing.  I am not.  I am human.  I get done only what I can get done, and usually, every day going to bed knowing I didn't get everything done.  But I am not meant to get everything done.

I used to think, man, if there was only a few extra hours in the day, just like 2...  Come on God, can we get an extra 2 hours a day?  I could get so much done!  Hahahaha!  Do you really think you could get that much done in those extra 2 hours?  I can guarantee you that if He gave us an extra 2 hours a day, we would find other things to fill it up with.  I no longer think that, I just thank Him for the hours He has given us!

Where am I going with this post?  Not a clue.  Honestly.  But after tonight, I don't know. I "thought" I was good.  I "thought" I had a grip on these appointments for Ella and Keegan, I "thought" I had it.  My tough outer skin is on.  I had this.  But for some reason after FINALLY getting the call about Keegan's ABR test, and then getting a call about tomorrows ear mold impressions for Ella, having to call insurance...  It just all hit. Like.a.ton.of.bricks. I had this super yummy supper planned, and was really looking forward to it, fresh beets made into sweet and sour beets, sweet potatoe french fries, roasted veggies...  I got my beets cooking, turned the oven on for the fries and veggies and then I got the call.  I wasn't supposed to get the call today, well, she promised me they would call me, but it would be by 4. It was 4:10.  I didn't think it would last that long, or that one phone call would turn into what seemed like 20 million!  ;)

My supper was ruined and I had some hungry kids.  I was mad because insurance said that hearing aides are NOT covered, but most likely cochlear implants would be b/c "they are medical condition".

Um, huh?  But of course, I wasn't thinking, I was too in shock.  I knew hearing aides weren't covered, but wasn't ready to hear that about the implants.  Doesn't make much sense to me, so if someone can explain that one to me, I'm ALL ears!  :D

So yes, after my ruined supper that didn't get made, kids somewhat starting to act up, Curt not being home, it just all piled up.  I literally wanted to go into my room, shut the door and cry. But I didn't.  I sucked it up, decided it was a beet and pb and j kind of night, great combo huh?  ;)

Praying all the while for God to give me the strength to get through the next few hours before bed.  Got the kids showers, and picked up downstairs... Snacks and then bed.

Got them in bed and just sat on couch and thats when the tears just came. The thoughts of I can't do this, I'm not equipped or qualified for this job. And as soon as those thoughts that Satan put in my head, they did go away.  My God's got me.

Doesn't mean i can't sit and have a cry for a bit, b/c if you step back and think about it, which I think I FINALLY just am...  I have 6 kids, 2 whom are deaf, all under the age of 10. I homeschool them, I am home with them all the time.  BTW, SOOOOO not complaining here, I"m so VERY blessed!  Just the reality of where I am, which is NOT a bad thing!  I've been so busy doing this and that, that I think some finally caught up with me, the realization that I'm a momma to SIX kids!!!  :D

My God called me, He gave ME these kids.  I still don't always understand WHY, b/c there is so many others better than me, but thankful He chose ME.  He trusts me enough to raise them and do what's best for them, He trusts ME! Whoa...

I love that God wired me the way He did!  I love that those feelings of doubts creep in, that He hushes them.  He tells me what I need to hear.  He tells me He loves me.

This song came onto my pandora...

And I’m amazed by You. Cause You’re never far away
And all that I’ve been through, Your love has never changed

You make oceans from the rain
Breathing life into this place
And I will drown inside your love
Until I see your perfect face

And nothing I’ve acquired means anything at all
Cause you’re everything I needed
You’re so much more than I deserve

You make oceans from the rain
Breathing life into this place
And I will drown inside your love
Until I see your perfect face

And I thank you Lord
And I thank you Lord 
And I thank you Lord 
And I thank you Lord

 You make oceans from the rain
Breathing life into this place
And I will drown inside your love
Until I see your perfect face

The blood of Jesus can wash your pain away

Uh, yeppers.  Thank you God!

So while this may seem like ramblings, and complete complain fest, it really isn't.  I had my little cry that I needed and now I'm good.  I know that God is with me no matter what and He always will be.  No matter how many times I get put on hold, He never will, no matter that insurance won't cover the cost of hearing aides, His love and patience and strength does NOT cost a cent, no matter that I have to keep calling and get a "we will call you back" answer, He hears me, all the time.  I may not get an answer right away, but I KNOW that His answer will come at JUST the right time.

Gods timing is PERFECT!  There is NO way around that.  I believe without a doubt things happen fora  reason and purpose.  We may not fully understand WHY it happens, but we have to have faith and trust that God does know what He is doing!  Have faith that He has a plan and it IS PERFECT!  Just like His timing...

So my dear friends, no matter what stage you find yourself in, rest assured that our awesome God is right here with you.  Things could always be worse! Find the joy in the pain, find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if it's tiny steps, it's something.  Gods got you and won't let you go!

I know that God has brought us this far, and I know He won't just leave us hanging!  My God's got a plan, and i trust Him!

No comments: