Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Life

I'm not sure exactly where to start with this one...  :)  This is kinda long, or will be long...  So if you really want to read, be prepared!  :)

Let me back track a bit...  I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer November 9, 2009, that was also the due date of my baby in 2003.  I lost my baby in March of 2003, I was almost 3 months along...

I never grieved the loss of my dad, not fully.  I was sad, I cried, but I was more worried about my mom and brother that I didn't take the time that I needed to grieve for him.  So 2 years passed and I'm just now grieving my dad.

I always wanted people to know that I don't blame God, I never questioned Him for taking my dad Home.  I kept praising God and I still do.

I don't understand WHY after 2 years it FINALLY hit me.  I guess I didn't want people thinking, wow, it's been 2 years and shes just NOW grieving...  People who have not gone through this just don't understand, I'm not trying to be mean, but unless you lose someone really close, you don't get it.  It's hard to describe what you are feeling and why you feel it and esp after 2 years.  Every person is different in how they grieve and when they grieve.   

I still don't know how to describe what I'm feeling sometimes... My grief pretty quickly turned in depression...  At first it wasn't bad, I know what deep depression is, I went through it after my mis-carriage and it took MANY months before I was myself.  I look back thinking I really should've gone to talk to someone or gotten some meds, before I knew what i can take naturally...  ;) 

Ok, I'm jumping the rope too quickly here.  November 2011, my mom came out and it was great to be with her.  We went apple picking on Nov 2nd which was dad's birthday.  It was hard for me, I'm not sure why, but mom was having a good day, so I kept dwelling on that.  (she's gonna kill me for not telling her, sorry mom....  ;))  Then in December we go out for Christmas, I did NOT want to go out. I was dreading it so very badly!  I did not want to face family, either side...  I didn't feel like faking it either, I just didn't have the energy to do it.  BUT I went, of course.  I went to see dad's grave by myself, I'm not sure why I wanted to be by myself, but just wanted to go.  That didn't really help things, didn't make it worse, but didn't help.

By this time I knew I was depressed, but played it off to family as grieving for dad.  Still my depression was under control, so it was all good.  I figured, go home, get back into routine, I'll be fine...  HAHA, not the case....  It slowly got worse til I woke up one day and not sure what happened.  For a week I just laid on the couch, I felt so bad, but I couldn't get up, I had absolutely NO desire to do anything!  Curt was home all that week, he did not go anywhere even though he needed to travel.  I barely got up to make dinner that week, I'm pretty sure that week the kids or Curt got lunch fixed...

I felt like I was a horrible mother for not caring.  I wanted to crawl in my shell and be left alone...

Things were rocky with me and church, I had been fighting with God about stopping with helping out at the Garage.  I love working with the kids and didn't want to give it up, and I didn't want to put Courtney in a bind b/c I knew she needed help.  I was told by friends that if God was telling me to stop, then i needed to, God would provide the help needed for the Garage Kids.  I stopped helping in Jan.

I did some major praying about it all.  I knew that my season of helping with Garage Kids were up, as hard as it was to admit!  I prayed some more and Curt and I talked and I decided to go across the parking lot to help with their kids ministry.  They have something called Blessed Buddies where they match a special needs child with you and you are a one on one with them and only them.  So no matter if the teacher changes in that room, you are that childs one constant.  Which I LOVED!  So after talking I decided that I would not do blessed buddies until after we get back from China and my kids are adjusted.  The cool thing is, they already have someone lined up to work with my deaf kids once they are ready!  It was a TOTAL God thing, but after talking to the 2 ladies in charge at New Life, after their Saturday night service they had a teen come up and ask about the BB, and wanting to work with a deaf child if there was one.  (I'm getting goosebumps just talking about this again!  :D) And the lady said, well, we will have 2 but they aren't home yet.  They should be here in the next few months.  So God has it all laid out, the lady was so excited telling me and I just about jumped out of my skin!  How COOL is this that it's all laid out!  I don't even really go to church there, I just help out once a week and they have someone lined up to take care of my kids so they will know what's going on!  I was wondering how I was going to start helping over there again once they were ready to be on their own in a class, but i gave it over to God and said, if I'm supposed to be helping over there after we are somewhat adjusted and ready, then You will take care of it all.  And He did, just like He always does!  :)  So excited!!!  :)  I also believe that we are a church network and we should all work together!  It shouldn't matter where you serve and where you worship as long as you are doing both, does it matter that I serve at New Life and attend the Garage.  I'm prob stepping on some toes here, but think about it.  It's the honest truth!  We all work together, we are all on the same campus, we believe the same things, our styles are different, but it's all for God, right?

Then things with the adoption and trying to get all this paperwork around, the kids not behaving b/c I wasn't myself...  It was just all creeping up on me!

I'm not exactly sure when (I'm pretty sure it was the end of Jan...), it's all running together, but I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard.  I never asked God why, I didn't yell or scream at Him, I just said ok God, I don't understand, but I know that you will use me sometime for this.  I may never know and I'm ok with that, but use me, I trust You.

I was completely depressed.  I took a few online tests which came back as 75% depressed and needed to seek "professional" help.  The other 25% was wanting to end my life, which I did not, so that's why only 75%. 

I'm not big in talking about what's going on.  Infact I still can't believe I'm posting this for all to see!  I'm doing better at talking, but it's so easy for me to just keep it to myself.  I don't want to bother other people with what's going on with me, the not so good stuff that is.  I've been hurt so very badly in the past that for me to trust and open up is really hard.  But if I truly trust my God, then I know that He will protect me.  He may give me more than I can handle on my own, but He will never give me more than I can't handle without Him!

But yet, I'm not being 100% honest with people, b/c I'm hiding.  I'm really good at hiding and pretending that everything is ok.  There are VERY few people who can tell when I'm faking it.  As hard as it is to open up and be completely honest with all to see and read, I'm ready to let go and let God.  I know I have to do this, I don't understand why, but I'm tired of faking it. I'm not going to go around and say, hey, I've been depressed.  But I think someone needs to know and read this.  I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to pretend to be!  I've had some REALLY horrible, downright AWFUL days!  No, I didn't want to end my life, but Satan really knows how to attack and get to me...  I've wanted to walk out the door for a few days after Curt got home, but what good is running away going to do?  Nothing.  Plus that would mean Satan would win.  Maybe I need to get away for a nite, but running away won't solve anything, the running away I was tempted to do.  :)  A kids-free nite may be nice, but I'm not ready for that just yet...  ;)

My marriage was a bit rocky b/c of my depression, and not opening up.  Yes, I wouldn't open up to Curt even.  I had one shoe in my hole and shoe out, if that makes any sense!  :)

I was in a constant fight, pretty much EVERY day with Satan.  He was putting things in my mind like you are a worthless person, you aren't worthy to be called a mother, they are fighting, how are you going to manage 2 more and DEAF, you can't home school, you are not a good person, you are a horrible wife, you can't even talk to your husband, how can you call yourself good...  I mean the list goes on and on and on...  pretty much the most horrible thing you can think of, Satan was putting that in my brain and I'm telling you, there were MANY days where I did not have the strength to go on.  I so very badly wanted to give up, but I knew I couldn't.  I knew deep down I could not and would not give up, I was not going to let that scum bag win.  I could barely get out of bed, I was seriously in a battle just to get out of bed.  But I'm telling you that I was still praising God, I thanked Him for this day and the day that was hard, b/c even though it was hard, I never doubted God.  I'm going through this for some reason, and I'm glad it's me and not a friend b/c this is hard!  This battle between good and evil (haha, that's a song...) it's hard.  It can seriously break you.  I think it has hit me hard b/c I've gotten so close to God in just the last 2 1/2 yrs, and Curt has good things going on with church, we are adopting, all things that Satan ABSOLUTELY hates..  And he will try his absolute hardest to break us for doing good!

When you are in a fight, it takes so much out of you, well, me anyways...  I was spiritually, emotional, and physically exhausted and I mean EXHAUSTED!!!

I said if I needed to go talk to someone I would, but deep down i didn't want to.  I knew I could get out of this.

I also have been fighting with God about posting this. I don't want really want to, but I know that God wants me to and I'll do anything for my God.  Part of me wonders what others think, and WHY am I posting this, but I trust God, I know that if I can help one person, than that's all that matters!  it may not be now, and I'm ok with that.  I may not know that I helped someone, and I'm ok with that too!  :)

I'm not "over" this.  I'm still struggling on days, but I'm having more good days than bad days.  I still have fights with Satan and it still drains EVERYTHING out of me... But I'm not going to let him win.  God gets ALL my praise and glory!

Those of you on facebook may have noticed my scripture and songs that I post, there are reasons behind those...  It's what I'm going through and was going through at the time.  A song by Casting Crowns, Praise You in this Storm, and yes, I am.  I'm not going to ask why, but I'm going to say use me God.  I've told You to use me and I know You will.


I'm also not taking any medication, other than fish oil, and some b12, I've upped my fish oil intake...  It doesn't take the depression away, and it doesn't make me numb, but it does help me get through the day.  I refuse to take anything else, I'm not putting that stuff in my body.  I feel and believe that natural "meds" and with God's help, I can and will get through this. Like I said, I'm not "over" it and I don't know when, I got hurt bad and was in some major depression...  it's going to take time to heal, but I know that my God is right with me and has never left me and never will leave me.

My God is such an AWESOME God and am in awe of all He has blessed me with!  I'm dead serious when I say on bad days I kept praising Him!  I'd read scripture and blare the music!  It's amazing what some scripture reading and awesome praise music does to ones soul and mood!  I don't know about you, but it really helps me!

I usually do my devos and extra Bible Reading in the morning to get me going, and then listen to music throughout the day!  Some days I'm reading more scripture too!  :)

I wrote most of this last nite and I'm telling you what, this morning was one of the roughest days again!  I know that satan doesn't want me to post this, and so it was a huge battle this morning which also involved the kids yelling and screaming and me just wanting to go back to bed, shut the door and let it be.  Which I didn't.  They got themselves in trouble, lost outside time this morning, they did get to eat lunch outside, but they had to help pick things up b/c the house somehow got a mess when I was in the shower...  I'm feeling really drained in all honesty, tears streaming down my face, but you know what?  My God is good and I will never doubt Him or his love for me!

One other thing I've been thinking of is getting rid of is facebook.  It's one of the things that Satan has been attacking me with why do you post scripture, no one reads it, you are wasting your time.  It doesn't take much to highlight some scripture and hit post to facebook, but when you are attacked by Satan, yeah...  So I've been fighting with that on and off for a while, but about the time I think about it again, I get a private message from someone saying you don't know how much I needed that scrpture at that time.  So I'd forget about it for a bit...  I posted some scripture yesterday and again was fighting that it was time to get rid of Facebook...  But then I got a message this morning from a friend saying how she really needed it and how God was using me.  I was in tears reading her message b/c it was exactly what I needed to hear/read. 

Being depressed can really suck sometimes, but I'm gonna keep praising and trusting and loving my God.  Being in a battle with Satan is EXHAUSTING!  But my God is bigger and He will fight for me, I'll be right alongside Him fighting and when I can't fight anymore, my God will take over.

Again, I'm not "over" this depression/greif, but I'm a lot better than I was even just a few weeks ago.  I still have my good days and bad days, and like I said, this morning was bad b/c I took the time last nite to start writing this, so therefore Satan attacked, stupid scum bag...

1 comment:

Joseph & April Cox said...

Mandy, I am really glad you wrote this. I too went through a really hard time about 4 months ago. I felt like I was in a battle with Satan as well. It was when Joseph and I first started talking about adoption again and right before we were going to give our testimony at church and the seminar. Isn't that interesting? Right when we were going to encourage others to adopt and talking about us adopting again, I enter a major battle with our enemy. It all started too when Joseph was on his last TDY. I was depressed, but never thought about taking my life. I did tell God He could take it, because I did not want to live like that. Yes, it was that serious. Those who haven't been through depression probably might not get that and say just "Buck up" It kindof doesn't work that way. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I finally confessed to my mom and Joseph about what was going on. I truly think that is when I started feeling deliverance. I truly felt like I was in "the miry pit" and God was slowly lifting me back up. Sometimes He would lift me up and I would fall right back down again. Anyway, sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share with you so you know you are not alone. I will make it a point to pray for you more girl. I am going to post a poem on FB in a few minutes that really touched me. You know, I have been struggling with posting things too. I started to post the poem a couple of days ago and I didn't because I was thinking nobody cares or would read it. I guess you never know who might need it. It could be a very good friend. Love you girl.