Sunday, January 1, 2012

Ugh

I know, really good title huh?  There has just been so much, going on, feelings, emotions, stress, grief, etc...

It has been a whirlwind!!!  Don't get me wrong, it's been good, but there has been some bad too!

I haven't posted in so long, I don't know where to start!  :)  I did write a blog, but I haven't posted it, but I just may, it's my blog, right?  haha!!!  :)

If I don't post the other blog, it's been REALLY hard on me.  Grief has hit and it has hit hard.  Starting in Nov, and it hasn't gone away.  I'm trying my best to deal with it, but I just want it to go away!  Not gonna happen!  And the fun thing about grief, you never really know when it's gonna hit or how hard.  It could be a song and BAM.  :\

Curt's dad was diganosed with prostate cancer.  Just say the word cancer and I'm saddened.  Yes, this is very treatable and for that I'm so thankful, but just the word, it's so ugly. 

Then my mom's pastors wife has cancer again and it's not looking so good, so I'm deeply saddened for them and my mom becasue it's hard.  I know she dis-likes that word too!  Deb is her name, say a prayer for her and her family...  She had it last January and then was cancer free in June, and now she's got it again.  It's a very rare cancer, so she's going to get a second opinion and go from there.  I also know that our God is bigger than this and He can choose to heal her on this earth.  We jsut have to keep trusting him and know that He does have a plan and it's the right and perfect plan.  Keep our eyes on Him, it's all going to work out.  We may not like it, but we have to keep our trust in Him.  Right?

I told that to a friend who is going through some things, and I said, oh snap, open mouth insert foot huh?  I do need to remind myself of that at times.  I do trust Him and I know that He has a plan.  We also may not see the plan right away, or even here on this earth, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and He will bless us.  Again, we may not understand why or see why here, but we have to have that faith and trust! 

I really did NOT want to go out to Indiana this time...  I was seriously dragging my feet.  Then the closer we got the more clamed up and quiet I got.  I'm glad we went, but I just didn't want to face it, I guess maybe?

I think part of this whole grief thing for me, I don't, man, I don't even know how to describe it.  I know he's gone, and I'm really ok with it, I don't blame God, I trust Him, I know He has a plan and reason, and I'm ok with that.  I know He will use this season in our life and bless someone, but I dunno...  I don't want people to think that, you know what, I guess I don't really care what people think.  I don't mean that in a bad way, but then again, I've never had to deal with grief like this, so I am not too sure what to think.  :\ I guess I don't want people to think, wow, it's been 2 years, why isn't she over this yet...?  But then again, I don't care...

I went out to dad's grave while I was there.  I just wanted to go by myself, I didn't really know why or understand, but just wanted to be alone.  I was kinda hoping it would help, but it didn't, really.  It didn't make it worse either.... 

There are times where I feel like I'm going through depression.  Yes, I know what that is and how it feels.  I went through it MAJORALLY after my mis-carriage.  I just figured I'd be "over" this by now.  But reading things from other people who've lost a loved one to this ugly cancer, it doesn't ever go away, and as years go on, it sometimes gets harder.  Yikes, not wanted I wanted to hear or read, but I know that God will use this, and I tell Him to use me, and I believe He will.  Just have to keep my eyes on Him, and trust Him completely.  There have been many times where He's just carrying me, getting me through the day.  But I praise Him for all He has done, even when it's not a good day, I find joy in the bad times too!  Our God is so good and He is so faithful and loving and caring and protecting, and I could go on and on!  Just becasue we are going through something bad doesn't mean He loves us any less, or we aren't blessed!  We are!

My dad dying, yes, there were many blessings!  He found out he had cancer on my birthday, I don't like that, but yet, it's a good thing in a way, it's a day I will always remember... May not bring such great memories, but yet I can choose to remember all the birthdays I had while my dad was here!  Him dying, I find joy in that day/nite.  The day I got there, I saw an angel with my mom and dad.  The one with my mom was COMPLETELY different than the one with my dad... The blessing from that, I got to see 2 angels, one of comfort and one of death.  But the one of death wasn't scary, it was peaceful, but God knew I needed to see that, and I thank Him for that.  I seriously will NOT ever forgot those angels!

Blessings from grief, yes, learning to rely on God even more, turn your emotions and thoughts to Him, trust other people to help you...  Oh, yeah, trust other people to help you, that's not so easy with me, as most of you know.  Me posting this will be going WAY out of my comfort zone!  :) But I believe that I need to open up, even if it is blog world...  ;)

I thought writing things out will help, but honestly it doesn't always help..  haha...  :) But then again, it's forcing me to open up, maybe not sit and talk with someone that I CHOSE, but I have NO idea if anyone reads this and I can't pick and chose...  I'm forcing myself to just post this and go from there...
Please don't have pity on me, that's not why I write/blog.  It's just something I do.  ;)

1 comment:

Martha Helmuth said...

Mandy, this was my morning meditation yesterday by one of my very favorite writers, Henry Nouwen, titled "Our Spiritual Parents," and I offer it to you:

Joy and sorrow are never separated. When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about. Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy. If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either. Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.

Peace to you,
Aunt Martha