Friday, December 2, 2011

It's That Time of Year.... Again....

(I'm gonna step out and post this...  big step...  ;)  I wrote this 12-2-11)

I really don't want to post this, not even sure I will...  But I need to get it out...  ;)

I've noticed that last year and this year again, starting November I get in my "funk". I really know it's called grief, but I say funk.  Because my emotions and feelings are so much in a funk, up on second, totally down the next.  Crying one, laughing the next.

I've already said I didn't FULLY grieve for my dad that first year.  I think I was more in shock, I mean, I KNEW he died, but I was so busy worrying about my mom and brother that I didn't take that time that I needed for myself.  I'm soooo not complaining either, I'm TOTALLY fine with that.  I wanted to be there for them and that's just me too, make sure everyone else is ok...

Mom went through some health probs, but it was just all the stress of dad dying...  But I was so concerned about her, wanting to be there for her as much as I could across the US!  Then I wanted to make sure my brother was ok!

I don't know why, but this time of year has been harder last year and starting to be again this year.  I know my dad is healthy and fine and having the time of his life, and I still praise God that He took him Home...  But I still find myself grieving for him.  I probably always will... no one said this grieving process was easy or how long or short it would be....  every one is different....

Dad's birthday was November 2.  Mom was out here and we had a good day, the kids and I and her went apple picking!  We went WAAAAAY out, I don't even know how far we were out, but we were out in the COUNTRY!  ;)  It was GORGEOUS!!!  Then the 9th was the 2 year anniversary that dad passed away to be with Jesus. 

At first, to say anniversary of death was hard.  I mean, how can you call that an anniversary?  Aren't anniversaries supposed to be happy?  Well, it is a happy day, and a sad day.  But I'm gonna say more happy than sad.  While yes, dad is not here on this earth, he's in a MUCH better place... So for that reason, it's an anniversary!  ;)

It hit me HARD on the 8th.  I was mowing the grass (ok, long story short, ok, maybe not...  I've not mowed the grass since being out here, unless it's with the push mower, the push mower DIED last year!  :(  So Curt taught me how to use the riding lawn mower, ok, before you start laughing, you have to understand, I don't do riding lawn mowers...  I"VE ALWAYS used a push mower and been PERFECTLY fine with that!  ;)  So at first I couldn't get the dang things started!  I was too short to push in the break peddle AND sit on the seat AND turn the key!  So, Curt had to push the break down for me while I put my full weight on the seat and turned the key!  It was actually a pretty comically sight!  ;) )  Ok, back to mowing grass...  I was TRYING to get the mower to start after the kids laid down for their naps while Curt was on conference call.  This was an EXTREMELY busy week, so I was trying to help him out.  Plus I wanted to mow the grass since I knew how to drive it now!  ;)  So I couldn't get it started and he couldn't help because he was just getting on a conference call.... So I came back in the house did some major cleaning... Finally he had a break a bit after 4 where he could help me get it started... I won't tell you that I forgot to pull this one lever down in order for it to start, so it was an easy fix...  DUH....

So yes, starting about 4:30ish I started mowing the grass, not much daylight left, but I was gonna atleast get the front part down!  ;)  So I just kept going, did the front and part of the back...  But as I was mowing, wearing my dad's flannel, I was just thinking about him.  Just thinking of my dad mowing, then the last time I remember him wearing that flannel shirt I was wearing... 

I finally came in after mowing in the dark, find them supper, didn't feel like eating, so I hopped in the shower.  I turned the hot water on, got in and as soon as that hot water hit me, I busted out in tears!  Just missing him!

Still not questioning God why, but thanking Him for all the memories I have of my dad!  Thanking Him that my dad was not in any pain, thanking Him that He gave us those extra years after his heart attack...

Then the 9th, I had a lovely dentist appointment..  I was actually ok that day.  I called mom to see how she was and kinda funny, the 8th was hard for her too...

Getting Christmas stuff out, I really didn't want too.  I didn't want to last year either.  I don't know why!  The kids LOVE it and LOVE seeing the look on their faces as they help put the ornaments up... 

That's what I don't get.  Why am I ina  funk and could care less about Thanksgiving and putting up the tree?

Thanksgiving actually I kinda get...  Everyone was supposed to come out to our house here to celebrate...  Kris and Amy couldn't make it that Christmas to Indiana, so we decided to do it here for Thanksgiving...  So maybe that's why I don't really care? But then that next year they did come out here.  It was fun, it was a great week-end!  But I dunno..  does my brain go back to that Thanksgiving without me really knowing it? 

Then the other day, somehow Curt got to listening to Glad.  Dad loved Glad. So it brought back memories of my dad listening to them.  I didn't lose it then, but I'm going to see if mom has any of their cd's.  I can't remember if dad only had tapes of them or not...  ;)

I also know some of it is, I hold it in.  I know, it's bad, but it seems like there are days where I can't break down, but then again, there are days when I do!  My kids have seen me just start crying, then they come over rub my back, pat my hand, ask me if I'm ok and why I'm crying...  I tell them that mommy misses Granpa.  But I'm ok, I'm happy that he's in Heaven, but some days mommy just misses him.

I'm so thankful I have so many good memories of my dad!  I'm so thankful he wasn't in pain.

I'm very thankful for those angels I saw that day and nite.  The angel that had her hands wrapped around mom, holding her up, then the angel I saw VERY briefly as I walked in the room, but then as Curt and I were leaving that nite, the last time I got to say bye dad, I love you, there was the angel of death.  Still so clear.  Bright green eyes, me totally understanding what he was saying and he didn't even have to say anything.  he had  a smile on his face and he was saying, it's ok, he's in good Hands now.  I knew that I would not be seeing my dad on this earth again. 

I guess what I want people to make sure they understand, I'm not sad, but yet I am, that dad is gone. I miss him, but am SOOO thankful he is where he is. I'm thankful oh soooo thankful for all the time I had with him!  I'm thankful he got to see me get married, and 4 of our kids.  I'm sad he won't get to meet the other 2, but I know he's proud of me.

This whole grieving thing makes no sense some times!  And I guess this time of year will be the hardest.

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