Thursday, December 2, 2010

Can't Get Out

So I can't seem to get out of my funk... or whatever you want to call it....

Since getting back from Indiana, I guess depression, grief, sadness, what ever you want to call it, is hitting me.

The one year anniversary came and it went. Mom had a rough time in the morning, but then we went and did stuff all day and it was great. I am glad she had a good day. It was a good day for me too, but it was on my mind all day! I couldn't shake it!

Again, I don't want to sound like woe is me, or that I don't still love my God. I do. I trust Him, with my every being, more now than ever! I know that sounds weird, but whenever we go through something, it just makes us stronger and closer to Him! But what I am saying is, I MISS my dad.

The stupid fan light on my stove went out, first thing that came to my mind, oh dad will tell me what light to get and what's best... But before that happen the cover came off and landed in my hubs food... So I had to throw the food away b/c the cover was kinda dirty, then start over for his supper. So that ticked me off that that had happened... Then the next thought comes about dad and him telling me what kind of light to get... and then I lost it...

Grief hits everyone differently, and I think for me, it took a year. I know, weird.. But I wanted to be there for my mom, I didn't want, I don't know how to say it. But I wanted to BE there, and not let the emotion and grief get me to, I wanted to be strong for her. Don't take that the wrong way... I was sad and I did break down, quite a few times, but not fully, does that make sense? And now that it's been a year, I feel like it's all crashing around me. I haven't taken that time that I needed (need) to REALLY grieve.

I think part of me hasn't said much b/c I don't want anyone to think that I don't trust God. I do, in fact, part of me is happy that dad is where he is, but selfishly, I want him here, with us. But he is no longer in pain and I do thank God for that! Everyday I do! It's just so hard going home this last time. Oh dad isn't here yet, he's working late, or dad can't go with us b/c he is working... Well, no, he can't go with us b/s he isn't HERE anymore. Not on this earth. He's at HOME now, and I soooo can't wait to see him again!

Another part of me realized that my baby that I miscarried would've been 7 years old if I hadn't lost that precious baby in March, but Nov 9th was my due date. The same day my dad died... Every year it gets better, and in all honesty, I didn't even THINK about it last year! But this year, all the emotions came over me again, and the nightmares, so I was reminded of that baby I lost. Not fair that my dad gets to see my baby before me! ;) But you know what, I am really ok with that!

Some days I feel like I've got way too much on my plate and I want to scream and run away, but that will not solve anything! And I am NOT going to run away, then Satan would get his way and I am NOT gonna let that happen! ;)

Then today I get a card from a friend. I made them dinner and had a few things for them when they got back from their week long vacation. It's ALWAYS nice to have bread and milk and dinner or lunch ready for you when you get home, that way you don't have to worry about it, right? Well, anyways, I open the card and she said thank you so much for blessing us with a nice meal and yummy treats. You are a great friend to our family and most of all one of God's shiny people, keep shining. :) So then on the other side it is says ps. The pendant is a widows mite from Israel. Just like the widow woman gave all she had, mom's like you give all of yourself to others, your family but most importantly you do it for the Lord and not for any glory. Wear it and thank on these things, you are a blessing.

I read that and lost it! I was like, that's so sweet.. Of course, there are little things that get to me! ;) It's so simple, cool and pretty! I can't wait to wear it! I don't feel that "special" or a blessing to others, I just do what I can. I want to help others. Does this make sense? ;)

I just need to write more, get it off my chest...

I love the song No Matter What. It's so true and I was saying those same words even before I knew about the song! No Matter What I'm gonna trust you, no matter what!

I do, I love my God and I really don't know what I'd do if He wasn't in my life!

I will keep praising Him NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

Not sure if I make any sense, and that's ok, b/c it doesn't matter, just my thoughts, feelings, ponderings at the moment... It's more like a therapy to write my thoughts and feelings and I've kept them bottled up far too long now...


necie_page said...

While I can not say "I understand how you're feeling", I can say "It will be alright. Mom will be alright. You will be alright. Dad IS alright".

You need to take your time to grieve my friend. You are such a self-less person, and that is WONDERFUL, but you need to deal with this sooner than later. It's ok to miss this wonderful man. It's ok to want him back here with you and mom. It does not show that you question God nor does it say that you do not trust God. It says "I'm human. I miss my dad. My heart is aching".

If you want to talk about him, I'm here. I'd love to hear about this amazing man! If you just want me to hold your hand, i'm all yours. If you want a hug, I have 5'11 with 185lbs of body for you to hug!! Whatever you need to do, do it. Ok?

Crystal Chelle said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, having lost your dad. Unfortunately I can imagine the pain of losing an unborn child. I was actually halfway through my first pregnancy and was about to find out the gender of my baby when I was in a bad car accident and lost it. I found out in the hospital (the same day that my appt. was scheduled to find out the sex) that it was a boy! I still think about him everyday. He would be turning 4 in march. I now have two beautiful boys who are the loves of my life, but during each of their pregnancies, I would freak myself out right around the 20th week and wouldn't want to get anywhere near my car. I'm sorry, this is a lot to share with a complete stranger, but I just wanted to let you know that I have also had a hard time letting go of someone precious. I will pray for you and your family during this difficult time, but I do believe that they are in a much better place than we are. If you ever want someone to chat with, I'm here :)