Ugh

Seriously? Having a hard time yet again!
It actually started hitting me at Caleb's birthday party.
Just seeing Micheal's parents and then Angela's parents, BOTH there and having so much fun! I almost left the room for a bit, but bit my tongue and was able to enjoy the nite. Don't get my wrong, I enjoyed it, but it was hard.
I know grief hits you when you least expect it, and I TOTALLY didn't expect it then!
Then for Kotah's birthday, I was fine for most of the day, then towards the afternoon, getting ready to lite the candles, I was about ready to lose it again! I didn't, we had the Rogalski's over. But that nite I was going over to Angela's for a CM party and had to cry for a bit before I left. I almost didn't go, I also wasn't going to stay the whole nite, I felt bad because it was Kotah's birthday and I was going to leave for the last 2 hours that she would be awake. Curt convinced me it was ok and that I needed it.
Then I was fine Sunday. But I just watched the sermon from Sunday. I ended up being in the nursery so I missed it. Don't take this the wrong way, but I am glad I wasn't in there. I would've lost it big time!
Now I am thinking of it all again b/c I am alone. The tv is off, just music playing and the kids are all asleep!
Part of me wishes that we didn't move the tv to the living room so our cable would be working right now, so I wouldn't have to think about it. ;) But then again, I need to. I can't just push it away. I have to grieve, no matter how hard it is.
It's also been a year since I went out with the kiddos to be with mom and dad. Just remembering that dad looked skinny, but he didn't really look sick. Remembering that I really didn't want to leave, but I had to. Then I think about what took place the next few months and knowing that that one year anniversary is coming up.
I feel like I have to keep, scratch that. I feel as if I have to make sure people know that I am not mad at God, I am not asking God why, I know he is in a better place, I feel like I have to say all that before I can cry and grieve. I know, that doesn't make any sense. I feel like I have to give a reason as to why I am crying, and say I am sorry for losing it.
Part of me wants to say why can't this be easier! Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? But I know God is in control and I put all my faith and trust in Him! My life is in his hands! My cares and worries, it's all in His hands!
These are just my thoughts, I needed to write them out.