Wednesday, December 9, 2009

One Month

It's been one month since dad has passed away. Some days it seems so long ago and others, it's doesn't. It also seems real, but yet, it doesn't.

I've told Curt and mom this, but not anyone else. I knew dad wouldn't be here for Thanksgiving. It's not that I didn't trust God, it's more like He was preparing me somehow. Somehow I knew. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want them to think that I wasn't trusting God or that I didn't have enough faith. That's totally not it. God was preparing me all along.

I told my best friend one day that something's gonna happen, things are going to good right now. Yes, true we moved right after I had Thaddeus, but things were going good. OK, not GREAT because the kids did re-paint Gavin's room, but all in all, things were going good. Curt was home more, we found a good church, things were going great! Then bam, mom calls and says that dad has pancreatic cancer. Also when they came out in June, I told mom that I thought he looked like Uncle Eli, all skinny. I know in my head I was thinking no, not dad, but yet looking back, I think I really did know.

I cherished every time I saw dad. I did make a point and called dad everyday, never letting him think I knew it could be his last, but I know he thought that too. I made sure I said I love you at the end of every conversation. I also called everyday too see how he was feeling because he got chemo.

I remember mom calling me and telling me that dad was filling up with fluid. I told her I would be out. I was going to wait until later that week, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I needed to be there and now. I called back later that day to tell them I was coming and dad picked up the phone, I told him that we were coming early and he said ok, we'll see you late tonite then. That's NOT my dad, he would ALWAYS say no, just wait, there is no need for you to come. I am so glad that we didn't wait to go out there. We would've missed a GREAT week of cards and laughter and making memories.

I remember Friday nite when he went in. Dad was ready to lay down, so he went to his chair, told mom he felt "different". I knew in my gut that this was nearing the end. I just had a feeling. Kris, Amy, Curt and I were all playing Hand and Foot, we all decided to stay up a little later to make sure everytihng was ok. We then all went to bed, only for a few hours, mom came and got us, said dad wanted to see us. Kris and I ran out to the family room, mom came out later with 2 books. One Christmas many years ago we got dad a book. It's called a Father's Legacy. It asks questions about your childhood and memories. Favorites of yours as well. So anyways, he was going to give it to us at Thanksgiving b/c we were going to celebrate Christmas then. I felt even more in my gut that something was gonna happen. And I knew it was going to be soon.

Sunday morning when I walked into dad's room, I saw an angel behind dad. Then I saw one holding my mom up. I knew which angel was near dad. I also noticed dad kept looking up over to the right whenever he woke up. Whenever a person is signing, when they refer to God, they always look up and over to the right. That's the way they told you to sign, not sure why? But I have wonder if maybe he saw an angel up there? Maybe I am reading to much into, maybe not?

When Curt and I left Sunday nite, the angel was still there, he looked at me and had this look on his face that he would take care of dad and it would all be ok. He kinda nodded his head at me too.

I miss dad. I find myself saying, Oh I'll just have to ask dad about that light, oh no, I can't. Dad was my light source, he knew all the lights in our house! I would tell him which one and he would be like, ok you need a 25 watt, such and such and soft glow. I am like, ok, hang on, let me write that down. :)

I know dad's in a better place now. I can no longer call him "mellow yellow", he's no longer filling up with fluid, he's not in any pain.

I still feel at peace with it all. That doesn't mean I don't miss him, because I do, but I trust God. He has gotten me though this all, and He will continue.

The kids pray for Grampa. They ask Jesus to help him have a good day in Heaven. It's so sweet.

I hear an oldie song and think of dad. Or The Stroll, he taught me how to do it! :) SO FUN!!!! I remember going with dad in the Toy, a cold winter day, me all bundled up, dad wearing a winter vest, his window is down, smoking a cigarette, me with my window down as well. Dad told me, you can roll your window up, you're gonna get cold. I said, no, I am not cold, even though I was freezing down to the bone! So I rolled my window up just a tad so he wouldn't notice. But I know he did. :)

So many good memories I have, gonna remember them, and some days, it's gonna hurt, but I know I will be ok. We will be ok. It's good to cry, but we need to remember to cry, we need to remember to go to God when times are tough. He is only way to get us through all this.

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