Tuesday, August 18, 2009

CANCER

Isn't it amazing how one little 6 letter word can TOTALLY rock your world and turn it upside down???

I remember getting the call from mom telling me the doc's say dad has cancer. I am like no way, dad's been through so much, but not cancer... It's true... Then she tells me it is pancreatic cancer, and I think of Uncle Eli...

There is just so much to take in and comprehend, it's so hard.

It's hard to because dad isn't in any pain and other than being SUPER thin, he looks fine. One day you are like no, he's fine, then the next, you're hit all over again and realize it's real.

How do you deal with something like this?

Some people blame God and ask WHY? What did I do to deserve this?

Others just praise God and say USE ME!!!! I may not understand why I am going through this, but use me God.

And still others just feel numb, or they are fine one day, then they hear something and start crying...

Some people can't cry, they cry when they are alone and no one can see...

In all honestly (and I am not trying to brag or be like, how cool am I...), I never asked God why? My dad shouldn't be here. He had a heart attack 13 years ago and was gone, and I mean, GONE! If the people at the bowling alley hadn't done CPR, he would be gone. But I thank them for not giving up on dad. As my dad has said, he feels like he is living on "borrowed time". It's only by God's Grace that he is still here. He has had so many health problems, not all big...

I don't blame God for this, I am not asking why because I know He has a plan and a purpose. I am not ready for my dad to die, but I am not going to go around blaming God for it. Now don't get me wrong, I am VERY saddened that my dad has cancer, I don't wish he had it, but what can we do? We can either turn away from God and be miserable, or we can praise Him and say Lord, teach me and use me. Help me to praise You even when I don't understand!

In times like these, we CLING to God, this is the time when there are only one set of footprints in the sand because He is CARRYING us through this! I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't know God. He is getting us through this, HE is helping me to keep praising God even when I know there is nothing that we as humans can do to get rid of the cancer. I know and I believe that God can heal dad, but, we have to remember that it is HIS will, and not ours.

There are times when I want to cry and be sad, but the tears just won't come, but I hear some song or something is said and then I just let it all come out...

Cancer can be such a scary word.. Especially in dad's case, there is no cure, no way to operate and get rid of it...

I know what I am feeling, I wonder what is going through his head? I mean seriously, the doc tells you you have stage 4 cancer and you only have 3 to 6 months to live? How would you react? I know that those are just numbers and the docs have to say that, but it could very well be true, or dad could live another 2 years, or more.

We all are going to die at some point, we don't know when, but when the doctors tell you you have cancer and they can operate on it and you have a"time frame" so to speak, why does that make us fear or worry...? We don't go around everyday saying, oh, this could be the day I am going to die... But when your docs tell you that little 6 letter word, it all changes and it is in the back of your head...

There are so many people who look up to mom and dad and wonder, how can you keep praising God when all this is happening? You know why? They know it's ALLLL in God's Hands, He has protected them and provided for them every step of the way!

Dad lost his job in Jan, so they don't need to fill out paperwork for that...

They have cancer insurance, and it just isn't plain jane stuff, this stuff they will get reimbursed for gas and hotels should he need the hotel for treatments...

He isn't in any pain...

I know this isn't easy and will be scary, but I honestly believe with my whole heart that God will carry them and all of us through this. We just need to keep our eyes on HIM!

We went to Cornerstone Sunday and George anointed dad and prayed for him. Wow, what a service! Not because George really didn't preach (LOL :OP Ya know I love ya George, my FAVORITE FIL!!!), but because of everyone praying for us and with us. You could really feel the Holy Spirit! It was AWESOME!!!!! Charity picked out some really awesome and touching songs, just perfect for the day and what they needed to hear!

I put a youtube video on my FaceBook, called I WILL RISE by Chris Tomlin! Oh my, how perfect and fitting! I also think of Casting Crowns song, Praise You in this Storm.


I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Yeah, I know this is all mumbled jumbled, but that's my thoughts. I don't know really how to feel or what to feel. People ask me if I am ok, yeah sure I am. Most of the time, but then there are times when I just need to cry and say God, Help me. Don't let me take my eyes off You God, You are the only One who can get me/us through this, and I/we need You!



1 comment:

Martha said...

Amazing post, Mandy. It's so helpful to articulate your feelings in this way. Each of the family members will find different ways to find healing for the spirit and this is one of yours. I can identify at so many points. (I kept a journal, not a blog!) Love, Aunt Martha