Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Want to give up!!!
What a day! Ever feel like you could just throw in the towel? Just for a couple of hours? I went to Merle Hay Mall this morning with the kids, it is Kotah's b-day, and they are in the kids klub over there, so every Tuesday, at certain stores, you get something, or a discount. Like the cookie company, buy one cookie, get one free. Then at Younkers in the kids department, they get to pick something out of a box. But at Justice for Girls, they get a nail makeover. I thought, how cool for her b-day. They paint their nails in a clear color, then they can dip their fingers in glitter. So we went there for that, plus I had to exchange a couple of things... But man on man. I am sooo tired, didn't get enough sleep due to nightmares (I have nightmares about my miscarriage that happen in March 2003, but can't even talk about how bad those dreams are right now! Maybe someday, they are way to real...), and Gavin and Dakotah were pushing each others buttons, plus mine! I am like God, you need to help me here, I can't do this! I am going to lose it!!!! I also have to think of a menu to feed 15 people and then make sure my house is clean for them on Monday nite, have the PC party Sat... do laundry, feed the kids, play with them, try to get some school stuff together!!! I can't keep this house clean! Gavin gets things out, then Skylar throws them all over as she crawls through it!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some days I wonder how I am going to get through it, but then I remember that God is here with me and He will never leave me. Plus am reminded that He never gives me more than I can handle, although some days I argued that one with Him. I am so tired right now, I can't even think. I thought writing this all out would help me clear my head, but it's not.... It is making me more confused and wondering if I am raising my children the way we need to be. They have been doing NOTHING but fighting today, and it has taken what little strength I had to keep my cool and be calm. What am I doing wrong? Why are they fighting and yelling at each other? Why is Dakotah talking back to me? After we got her nails done, we were leaving, and she kept complaining that the glitter was falling off. I said honey, it is going to fall off, it is ok. She said, well, I just won't ever get my nails done again. I said honey, it is just nail polish, it is fine. But she wouldn't stop, she just kept saying, well, I don't want to get them done again. The glitter is falling off. I am about ready to go and get the nail polish remover and take it all off my self! I was trying to do something for her today that was fun, since today is her b-day, we celebrated it yesterday since Curt is out of town.... What can I do? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is any of this make sense? Or am I just so tired, it is all one big ramble, complain fest? God, please give me the strength I need. I need You, I need You to give me the strength and wisdom to raise our kids. Please help them see that You are living in me, and I am trying to live as You want me too. I love You and praise You, You are my strength. Amen